LIVING ON CAMPUS

A Message to Family Members and Parents of Our First -Year Residential Students

Your student, along with two million other young adults in the United States, is about to begin an experience that can be both exciting and frightening all at once—a period of joy, pain, discovery, and disappointment… the first year of living on campus!

A generation ago, when Baby Boomers were growing up, they commonly shared bedrooms with siblings. Over the last few decades families have had fewer children, so today children typically have their own room, and sometimes even their own bathroom. While this trend may avoid problems between siblings while they are at home, it can result in some major challenges when the First Year Students enter the residential situation in college.

When we were designing our housing complex, we asked our residential students (First Year Students and upper division students) what they thought a future First Year Student living on campus would need. Surprisingly, the number one response was “they need a roommate.” Of course, they also indicated that they should share a bathroom with as few students as possible and they shouldn’t to have to wait too long to use the bathroom. They also said that First Year Students needed the opportunity to meet as many people as possible, as soon as possible, and should have ways to easily ‘get connected’ to campus activities.

The upper division students told us that First Year Students should have roommates because it ‘helps them to learn to get along with other people’ – to practice communication skills and develop relationship skills. ‘Living with a roommate’, they said, ‘requires compromise’. As much as it would be nice to have your roommate be ‘your best friend,’ the most important thing, our students said, is that the students can ‘live together respectfully.’ And yes, one indicated that, ‘Eventually, ‘you might want to live with a partner or a spouse, and if you have never learned to live with someone, that relationship is headed for disaster!’

More than ever before, students (and their families) have been used to privacy and personal space. Consequently, the transition to ‘living on campus’ can be challenging for both the student and their parents or family members. Understandably, parents and family members want their students to be comfortable and happy.

And, although roommate issues can occur between older students, the biggest adjustments are usually with First Year Students. Sometimes, it takes a while for some students to ‘be happy.’

If you were to guess the number one challenge that First Year Students face, you might think it is about different habits like noise, neatness, or sleeping hours. But you would be wrong… the biggest challenge is COMMUNICATION. And this is something that you, parents or family members, can help with.

For the First Year Student who has never had to talk about issues related to their personal space, good communication skills are essential. Whether the issue is about ‘how often someone can have friends over’ or whether one roommate can ‘borrow the other roommates’ sweater or CDs’, learning to communicate before issues arise is the key. Good communication skills help students set boundaries, share feelings and, most importantly, resolve potential or already existing issues.

Although SJSU has very competent live-in staff (Resident Advisors, Program Advisors and Residential Life Coordinators) who can help your student work things out with their roommate, our goal is that situations never get to the point that they require intervention. Parents and family members can help ease the transition to living on campus by preparing their students for potential roommate issues. By learning about and discussing possible issues; by reading about the transition to college, and by being ready for a phone call (or email) if issues do arise, family members can provide an incredibly strong support system.

If you haven’t seen our license agreement or student handbook, you can find these on our web site. Not only do these materials outline the legal aspects of the housing contract, but they also outline students’ rights and responsibilities. Our hope is that all students and family members will read these and know, from the very beginning of their housing experience, not only what is expected of them, but what they can expect from others living in their community, including their roommate. This helps avoid future mediation sessions.

It might be reassuring to you that SJSU alums report that living on campus brought them’ life-long friendships’ and ‘closer connections’ to San José State. Research also indicates that students who live on campus tend to get higher grades, proceed to graduation at swifter rates and, ultimately, have very positive feelings about the university experience.

All this to say that the first few weeks of this new experience might be challenging… but don’t give up. The challenges that your student will face will help them learn to communicate, live with uncertainty, appreciate difference and ultimately, blossom into a competent, well-rounded adult.

Yes, your student is beginning a period in their lives from which they will emerge much different than they entered. You are entering this period with them, like it or not, and there is no turning back! You may experience happiness and defeat just as they will—possibly with as much satisfaction and joy or disappointment. What you may experience and they may not, is CONCERN. You will be the one wondering how they are doing, wanting to know if they are eating well and maybe, still yearning to tuck them into bed at night. This is the legacy of a parent or family member that has to let go…uncertainly and concern, but also … pride and celebration!

Some HINTS gleaned from a variety of publications and personal experience may help both you and your student to prepare for what lies ahead:

HINT NO. 1: DON'T ASK THEM IF THEY'RE HOMESICK

The power of association can be a dangerous thing. A student once expressed that "the idea of being homesick didn't even occur to me, what with all the new things that were going on, until my mom called one of the first weekends and asked, 'Are you homesick?' Then it hit me."

The first few weeks of school are filled with new activities and opportunities and potential new friends. The challenge of adjusting to new situations takes much of a new student’s time and concentration. So, unless they're reminded of it often (perhaps by a well-meaning parent), they'll probably be able to escape the loneliness and frustration of homesickness. Encourage them to get out, get involved… to be the first person to ask others to ‘do something.’

However, they may be homesick at some point later in the semester when life at the university seems less inviting (be watching in October and February and when mid-terms and finals start to pop up). This is a natural part of the adjustment to university life and life away from the comforts of home. Even if they don't tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss ‘home,’ and you, and need to know that someone cares – which is different than actually wanting to be home.

HINT NO. 2: WRITE (EVEN IF THEY DON'T WRITE BACK)

Although most First Year Students are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring, they are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can in the first few weeks. Sensitive parents may misinterpret this surge of independence as rejection, but most First Year Students (even though some won't ever admit it) would give anything for some news about home and family, however mundane it may seem to you.

There's nothing more depressing than an empty mailbox – those ‘old-fashioned’ letters and emails are welcomed and needed… provided they are positive and encouraging. (Warning-don't expect a swift reply to every letter or email you write.) Of course, if a gap in communication goes on too long, please feel free to contact one of our staff members and we will be sure to check on your student to see if things are OK.

CARE PACKAGES are still quite popular in college… and a great way to meet new people.

HINT NO. 3: ASK QUESTIONS (BUT NOT TOO MANY)

First Year Students are still learning ‘who they are’. They may be establishing new friendships, or even ‘re-inventing’ themselves, and may have a tendency to resent interference with their newfound lifestyle, all the while still desiring the security of knowing that someone is interested in them. It can be a difficult place for a family member to be.

Curiosity can be overbearing and alienating or relief giving, depending on how questions are asked and what your relationship was like before your student entered college. "I have a right to know" questions should be avoided. However, genuine inquiries and open-ended communication and discussion will facilitate more communication… so, be open and curious. Hold your tongue about things that aren’t that important. Let your student learn and grow… knowing they can talk to you and trust you if life gets difficult.

HINT NO. 4: EXPECT CHANGE

The university and the experiences associated with it can effect changes in social and personal behavior and academic, vocational, and other choices. The previous ‘wallflower’ may become a campus leader, a premed student may discover a love for art or teaching middle school or a high school radical may become a college conservative. Be ready for your student to ‘re-invent’ himself or herself.

You can't stop change—you may not even understand it—but it is within your power to accept it. Remember that your First Year Student will be basically the same person that you sent away to school, aside from such changes in interests and shifts in personality. By the same token, don't expect too much too soon. Maturation is not an instantaneous or overnight process, and you might well discover your son or daughter returning home with some of the habits and hang-ups, however unsophisticated, that you thought he or she would have outgrown.

You might see new and interesting, by your standards, clothes and hairstyles. Be ready, be patient.

HINT NO. 5: DON'T WORRY (TOO MUCH) ABOUT DEPRESSING PHONE CALLS OR LETTERS

Parenting or being a concerned family member can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. It's a lot of giving and often, only a little receiving. When troubles become too much for a First Year Student to handle (a flunked test, an ended friendship, and a lost pair of jeans in the laundry room), the only places to turn, write, or call is home. Unfortunately, since these are the times that the urge to communicate is felt most strongly, you may not hear about the “A paper”, the new romance, or the changed major.

Be patient with those ‘nothing-is-going-right-I-hate-this-place’ phone calls or letters. You're providing a real service with your sympathetic ear. Granted, it's a service that may make you feel lousy for a while, but it works wonders for a frustrated student. And, if your intuition is telling you that your student needs additional support, please do not hesitate to get in touch with your student’s Residential Life Coordinator. Talking to a student staff member or a professional staff member might be all that is needed; or we can refer your student to a professional counselor at the university. Many students find that visiting the counseling center for personal or academic issues is quite helpful during their time in college.

HINT NO. 6: VISIT (BUT NOT TOO OFTEN)

Occasional visits by family members (especially when accompanied by shopping sprees, dinners out, etc.) are another part of first-year events that students are often reluctant to admit liking but appreciate greatly. Pretended disdain of such visits is often just another part of the first-year syndrome. And, if you are like many family members, you actually do have a good, if not great relationship with your student and your visit will be welcomed. Visits give students a chance to introduce some of the important people in both of their worlds (home and school) to each other. Additionally, it's a way for family members to become familiar with (and more understanding of) their student’s new activities, commitments, and friends. (Maybe Homecoming in October will work for you? Check the campus calendar.)

WARNING - Spur of the moment "surprises" are usually NOT appreciated and can often lead to disaster due to student study and social schedules. Giving some notice may even afford you that rare sight of a clean room.

HINT NO. 7: DO NOT TELL THEM "THESE ARE THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE."

The First Year Experience (and those that follow) can be full of indecision, insecurities, disappointment, and, most of all, mistakes. It can also be full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and great people. For some students, however, it's not the good that stands out, except in retrospect.

It takes a while (and the help of some good friends and support from home) for First Year Students to realize that previous perceptions of what the university is all about might have been inaccurate, or idealistic. It also takes a while to accept that being unhappy, afraid, or confused, disliking certain people, and making mistakes (in other words, getting to know and accept oneself) are all part of the experience; all part of growing up. It sometimes takes a while longer for parents or family members to accept.

Anyone who believes that all college students always get good grades, know what they want to major in, have activity-packed weekends, are surrounded by thousands of close friends, and lead carefree, worry-free lives is wrong.

Try not to perpetuate the "best-years" stereotype… it might have been that way for you – especially after many years away from the experience, but it would be hindering your student’s already difficult transition and self-development. Those who understand and accept that college is full of ‘highs and lows are providing support and encouragement when it's needed most.

HINT NO. 8: TRUST THEM

‘Finding oneself’ is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing you.

One of the most important things a family member can write to a student might go something like this: "I love you and want all the things that make you happiest. You are the one who is in the best position to know what those things are."

One of the things I like to suggest to family members is to give their student “roots and wings.” That is, the ability to fly… to experiment while always knowing that there will be people there who love them and will be there to catch them if they fall. You have nurtured their roots, you have set the foundation, now is the time to trust them to soar.

HINT NO. 9: WATER WHAT YOU WANT TO GROW

If, when you talk with your student, your first questions are always about social activities or the score of the last football game rather than about books, ideas, classroom discussions, and co-curricular activities (out-of-class lectures, seminars, concerts, exhibits, intramural activities, etc.), you may be sending the wrong signal about what is really important at the university. Be curious about what they are learning and how they are growing as a person.

Having a student at San José State provides a wonderful opportunity to learn something… about a new book or your student’s latest views on a topic of mutual interest. We urge you to ask about these things first, so that your student sees that the demanding work of the university is what matters to you as well. Ask about what your student is learning. You might be surprised what you learn.

HINT NO. 10: LEARN WHAT YOU CAN

Our campus website www.sjsu.edu has a lot of information that is helpful to family members or anyone that wants to be supportive of a student. There are news articles, calendars and schedules, and links to a variety of resources. It also includes a staff and university phone and email directory. I encourage you to ‘bookmark’ this page to learn about what is going on at SJSU and what resources we have available to you and your student.

We hope that your student (and you) have a wonderful ‘first year’ with us!

University Housing Services